Ein einsames Segelboot auf dem Meer

Today we have a special, and it’s a story about the meaning of life with an unexpected twist. The interesting thing is that this story just came flying in while I was lying on the bed. This story came like a movie. I also used to make up stories and started writing many novels. I know how it goes when you make up a story, but this time was different. This time I didn’t do anything myself and just watched, though I could fast forward. So it was like watching a movie. On the other hand, it was different from a movie, because I felt the emotions of the protagonist very intensely, stronger than when watching a movie. I don’t want to tell you more about it for now. You can make up your own mind here.

The first scene takes place on a dusty street in a city where cars are driving. A man in a blue suit has just parked his car on the side of the road. He walks into a jewelry store, which is quite small, narrow and dark. He has gold bars with him and is negotiating the price with the jeweler. But they can’t come to an agreement and he leaves the jewelry store again, annoyed. As he walks down the street, a woman in a petticoat and red shoes approaches him. Apparently he finds her attractive, because he looks after her.

Afterwards, he goes to a bar that is probably open during the day. Maybe it is a mixture of bistro and bar. The bartender seems to know him well. The man in the blue suit orders a whiskey during the day and they talk about the weather while the bartender wipes glasses dry. Otherwise, the bar is pretty empty.

The man continues on his way and wanders aimlessly through the city for some time. It’s a feeling he’s known for a long time, it happens often in his life that he wanders aimlessly. Later he has another appointment, but before that he goes to the red light district, where he meets a prostitute he has known for some time. But this time they just talk and talk about the gold bars in his pocket.

Afterwards he buys a cigar and a newspaper and while smoking the cigar he reads the newspaper. He is interested in an article about Kennedy and then discovers an article about a shipping company. That’s when he feels a kind of enthusiasm for something for the first time in his life. He remembers that he once wanted to be a sailor when he was a child. At that moment, he decides to really become a sailor!

But before that, he has to sell the gold bars at the next jeweler where he has the appointment. The only stupid thing is that the police show up there and arrest him. He is interrogated at the police station and finally ends up in jail.

At this point, I sort of fast-forwarded because I didn’t want to take a closer look at the time in jail. But I felt that the only thing that builds him up in prison is the shipping.

When he is released after a few years, he finally signs on to a ship and works as a sailor for some time. This is how he eventually ends up in Europe. So far, the story seems to have taken place in the United States. He also comes to Paris and watches Montmartre and performances by cancan dancers. Until he falls in love for the first time in his life, with the daughter of the shopkeeper he always stores with. By now he is about 30 years old. The shopkeeper’s daughter is also interested in him and so a relationship develops. As a result, he decides to settle down and look for another job and an apartment. He finds a job as a handyman. This goes on for some time until his girlfriend leaves him because she is no longer in love with him. He experiences a great heartbreak and decides to go to sea again. At sea he feels free and is far away from everything. There is such a vastness there and he just feels good and much better than in a “normal” life that many other people lead.

A few years later, he does end up in an office and settles down. He now has a job at a shipping company or similar in Hamburg. He works there for a few years and meets the owner’s daughter. She is 40 years old and still single, which makes her an “old maid” by the standards of the time. They marry, but it is not love. She is happy to have found a man, while he is mainly concerned with money and later inheritance from her father. That is his main motivation. Otherwise, he is still aimless in his life and drifting. There is an inner emptiness and senselessness in him. He acts only according to his mind, but never according to his feelings, and he is never really happy. His life develops in such a way that he goes to boring diner evenings and business dinners with his wife and has boring conversations with people who don’t really interest him. He is there, but inside he can’t do much with it, and lets it wash over him.

Some time later, his mother dies in the U.S., but he doesn’t travel to her funeral and only sends a large sum of money there because he’s not interested and has had little contact with her. He also has few feelings for her.

I then “fast forwarded” again because nothing much happened and then his life was too boring for me. Next, his father-in-law dies and he and his wife inherit the shipping company. Some time later, his wife also dies very early, in her early 60’s. This is the time in his life when he loses control. He drinks more often, surrounds himself with prostitutes or young women who are only interested in his money. Due to the fact that he spends a lot of money, his company also goes down the drain more and more.

When he is about 75 years old, he meets a woman. He often goes for a walk in the park and sits on a bench there to look at the water. The woman also often goes for a walk in the park and so it happens that at some point they sit next to each other on the bench and start talking. She is interested in him, but he turns her down because he is totally bitter, frustrated and empty inside. He cannot allow any positive feelings at all. Actually, he would like the woman, but he is no longer able to feel anything positive inside. So this contact dissolves again.

In his early 80s, he becomes more and more frail and then falls down and injures himself. Therefore he has to go to the hospital. From there he goes straight to a nursing home, where he is bored and confronted with the futility of his life. He looks back on his life and sees that he has made it, that he had a lot of money and could afford a lot of things, but that is worth nothing to him. His life just seems meaningless to him. He is also very lonely and does not get any visitors in the nursing home.

One day he sees a little 9-year-old boy in front of his inner eye. This boy is himself. He sees him wandering the streets alone at that age because his single mother is working. For the first time, tears come to his eyes about the loneliness he felt as a child. He spends many days in his room at the nursing home thinking about it and feeling that feeling. His father had died when he was at a very young age, however, it does not become apparent why he died. He feels grief, loss, the loneliness and that he has always lacked a home. Eventually, he begins to talk to the boy, who tells him all his troubles. After that, they start playing together and he becomes a kind of father to his own inner child. As a result, he comes more and more to himself and seems more content. The caregivers notice that he smiles more than usual, but they don’t know what that is because he doesn’t talk about what is going on inside him.

At some point, he sees his mother in his mind’s eye, coming home exhausted. It is then that he realizes how much she has sacrificed herself for him to get her through. He realizes that he was very ungrateful. He remembers a situation when she gave him a car and he just angrily threw it in the corner, thinking that she had given it to him as a substitute out of a guilty conscience because she had so little time for him. In retrospect, however, he realizes that she had worked hard and saved up so that she could give him the car to please him. Of course, she also felt guilty that she barely had time for him, but there was just no other solution at that moment. He is sorry now that he was so ungrateful. Tears come to his eyes and at the same time he feels a great sense of gratitude towards his mother. He now appreciates her much more and forgives her for having so little time for him.

At that moment, his mother appears in real life. He sees her as a figure in his room. She strokes his head as if he were a little boy.

He is now the little boy again.

And then he goes along with her. His soul goes with her soul and leaves his body.

It is like coming home after a long trip. He is also received by other souls, souls of deceased people he used to know. They are all proud of him that he has done this, that he has developed his consciousness and recognized the loneliness and sadness. And they are proud that he recognized his mother’s good intentions and was able to forgive her. There is a very great reunion there, it is like a feast that is celebrated, where all the souls tell about their journey that they have made to become more adult. It reminds me of the song “Hänschen Klein”, where Hänschen goes out into the world and at some point comes back as an adult. It’s the same with souls. He feels that this place here is reality. It is a place full of joy, love, light and family. All the souls here are his family. All his loneliness is gone and he realizes that it was never real. He had only forgotten his home, but it was actually always there. The souls were always there and on the soul level they were always connected. Now he feels a lot of peace, can look back on his life with a smile and now understands the meaning.

He sees his unconsciousness and the forks in the road where he could have taken a different path. He could have come to this point earlier. Then he might have gotten involved with the older lady he met on the park bench. But at that moment he wasn’t ready, his consciousness wasn’t ready. But that can wait, maybe he’ll meet her again. Maybe in a next life or whatever. He realizes that he’s been repressing all his emotions so he wouldn’t have to confront them, and that he’s just been distracting himself with women, money, and alcohol. It could have been much quicker for him to become happy, but apparently he needed that time. In the end, it doesn’t really matter, because the universe has time. And time doesn’t really exist either.

This story came to me within 30 minutes and unwound like a movie. I assume this person was born around 1938 and then apparently died sometime in the present time.

What was this now? Was this just my imagination or was this a soul trying to tell me their story? I can’t say for sure. It was definitely more intense than it normally is when I make up a story. There were also strange emotions in it, which I don’t know in the form of myself. And I was, as I said, only a passive spectator.

But that’s not really important, because it’s about the message of the story. The experience was so intense that it stayed with me for days. I still felt the atmosphere of the 60s and 70s for a long time. It was all very present and felt very real. Also his emotions, the feeling of emptiness and at the end the feeling of gratitude, were still there for a very long time.

I then thought about it some more: You don’t have to wait until you die, you can also visit your soul family now and talk to them! One can feel this security and the being at home already now, because everything is always there at the same time, actually there is no time.

As an outsider one has probably perceived him quite differently: You saw his career, his money and his marriage, which was not particularly good, and then his death. You might have thought: He has it good, he has a lot of money, he married richly and was later such a bon vivant with young women. But then he probably lost his sense of proportion and spent it all. You just get funny in old age. He was always a strange fellow, so distant. But he can’t complain about his life. It’s just a pity about his company, which went bankrupt because he blew all the money on it, and a pity about the employees who lost their jobs just because of his addiction to pleasure. Yes, he was quite a weirdo and egotist.

That could be the image people had of him on the outside, but nobody knew what was going on inside him. Even the nursing staff didn’t realize what intense experiences he was still having inside at the end of his life. Perhaps they have all forgotten him by now or have written him off as a strange guy.

This story also reminds me a bit of the Christmas story of old Scrooge. That’s why I found it fitting now and it also came to my mind in the last few days, even though I had already seen it in August 2019. I wanted to write a novel about it sometime, but then I thought, nothing will come of it anyway, just like the other 10 novels I still want to write sometime … So I rather told it here.

Maybe you will find something interesting in it. I think it’s nice that the story has a kind of happy ending. For me at least it is a happy ending. In our society death is always such a negative and bad thing and not a happy ending, but in this case it was a happy ending for him.

You now have two weeks to think about it, since I’m on vacation for now …. I wish you a contemplative, peaceful and merry Christmas time and a good start into the new year 2021 – everything can only get better.

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)

What is the meaning of life? – A Christmas story

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